Rest and Respite

Getting enough sleep, being able to sleep when you do get the chance and maintaining healthy sleep patterns can be exceedingly difficult. Lack of sleep makes caring for yourself, your loved one or frankly caring about anything at all a struggle. If you are lying awake worried or anxious, or finding yourself waking up during the night and not being able to get back to sleep, then visit your GP. Medication can seem like a drastic step but can help to reset your body clock if the main reason you aren’t sleeping is due to anxiety rather than having to get up to provide care.

If there is another adult in the house who can be safely left in charge, go and sleep overnight at a friend or family members.

If you can afford it and there is someone else who can provide care, book into a local B&B for a night and get a decent night’s sleep.

If neither of those are an option, catch up on sleep when your loved one is asleep

If your loved one does not live under the same roof as you, the only information you’ll receive about their difficulties may be from them. It may be exaggerated, based on previous reactions or outcomes or simply from the need for reassurance.

• It can be really hard not to panic or feel that you must rush to their aid.

• Try if you can to slow things down

• Remind your loved one who they should be contacting for professional support

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If your loved one has severe or enduring mental health difficulties, they should have a care plan with a named key worker, a risk assessment or crisis support. If they don’t, and they are dealing with issues of suicidal thoughts, self-harm or issues with drugs or alcohol then contact their GP and ask for an appointment (with your loved one’s permission) to discuss how this can be escalated.

If you are caring for a partner or a child and have other children, make sure you set aside time for them every day. Try to plan a specific activity with them weekly where they receive undivided attention.

Siblings and children of those surviving sexual crimes or violence will very likely meet the criteria of ‘Young Carers.’ There are specific schemes in most areas to support them.  Your local council should also have more information.

It’s really hard to set boundaries when someone is a victim of crime. So many of their issues are complex and your own feelings about the crime, including guilt, shame or anger can make it difficult to preserve any level of ‘selfishness.’ You aren’t being selfish – not only do you need to find time for yourself – setting up good habits and sticking to them is key to their recovery and also in maintaining a good relationship amongst all family members. There is only so much you can give. If that tips over it can lead to resentment, compassion fatigue and extreme stress that may result in words or actions you later regret.

Turn your phone OFF once a day for a period of time that feels safe. If you can turn your phone off during the night all the better. Try – if you can – to establish the idea that you may not be automatically available. If that feels unsafe, then agree that whilst your phone is off, they should contact another named person in an emergency.

Encourage self-care: there may be some things that your loved one really struggles with but don’t get into the habit of doing ‘everything’ or there will end up being a huge range of things they assume they can’t do or assume will always be done for them. Try to avoid solving every problem because of your own panic or anxiety or fury at the way a service or agency has failed. Wait a little – the solution may be coming, your loved one may resolve their problem and jumping in just causes further dependence or additional work or stress for you.

If finding respite for yourself is difficult, sometimes finding a supported holiday or activity for your loved one can achieve the same goals. A previous hobby or interest, the chance to try sailing or outward bound type activities exist and there are a large number of trusts and charities that organise these activities. Many organisations offer bursaries to remove financial barriers. If you child receives a Local Offer, this can be put towards these kind of adventures. Google will be your friend but below are some examples.

• The Princes Trust
• The Family Holiday Association
• UK Sail Training
• National Citizen Service

Work isn’t respite, especially if the whole time you are worried that your loved one may be in difficulties. However, maintaining employment may be financially essential and it can offer opportunities to be someone other than a carer, boost your self-esteem and have social interactions outside the home.

Work can be extremely difficult if your work place environment has little flexibility or your boss or colleagues have no understanding what you are dealing with. You have rights at work if you are a carer but those rights don’t always come with equivalent financial support and can lead to insecurities about your employment and how you are perceived by your colleagues. There is more information about work here.

The demands on carers if a loved one is hospitalised can induce all sorts of expectations in carers and tremendous feelings of guilt. Many hospitals encourage carers to offer care within the hospital setting and that (perhaps inadvertently) can feel like enormous pressure, especially if it feels like the ward is under-staffed.

It may be that you want to be with your loved one, but if you have other family members that need care, if you are exhausted, have work or live a long way form where your loved one is hospitalised, then you need to be realistic and banish any feelings of guilt. Visit when you can, explain (if appropriate) to hospital staff that you are unable to provide care whilst your loved one is in hospital and ask how they will keep them safe and comfortable. If you don’t think that’s happening – make a complaint to the hospital Patient Advice and Liaison Service.

If it’s got to the stage where your loved one either needs hospitalisation for physical or mental health needs, then you have probably been providing extraordinary levels of care over the previous few days. You need a rest – take it.