Part 2 — What families are carrying
Disclosure, the long tail of family impact, overwhelm, family systems, siblings and ordinary life.
Section 5 – Disclosure is not a single event
Victims of sexual or violent crime can take many years to understand the abuse they have suffered. Disclosure can be immediate, delayed, partial, withdrawn or hidden until a point of crisis. Abuse may be identified but the perpetrator’s identity hidden, children may not recognise they have been abused until older, or they may have been threatened or manipulated to believe that they were equally complicit or to blame for the abuse happening. These reasons are well articulated and understood.
Perhaps less well understood is that victims and survivors can have insight from an early age. A young child may not understand the harm they will suffer in the future in terms of their mental health, social dysfunction, poorer education and work opportunities, but they may understand very well indeed that their disclosure, especially if the abuser is a family member, may harm people they love.
“I didn’t want to ruin my brother’s life”
Research by the CSA Centre supports this point. Children may be less likely to disclose where they expect negative reactions from family members and may worry that disclosure will disrupt the family. This is important to the Restitute Model because disclosure is not just an act of telling. For a child, it can feel like something that may change the whole family around them. Parents, carers and loved ones may therefore be dealing not only with the disclosure itself, but with the child’s fear, loyalty, silence, fragmented information and the family consequences that follow.
Parents are encouraged to “spot the signs” of abuse. But sometimes, it is only in retrospect that those changes become visible. Families which have survived previous trauma, those with children living with autism or ADHD or other disability may have experienced challenging behaviour over a long period of time, making additional trauma difficult to spot. Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, as well as those who have survived recent sexual violence, may display changing behaviour, but that does not mean that they are willing or able to disclose, or that the change in behaviour will be associated with undisclosed abuse or violence. Cultural expectations or relationship difficulties can sometimes make it easier to keep quiet.
“Now you’ve got to remember by this point I’ve been having 10 years of chaos with my daughter. To the point where I was just completely and utterly exhausted, baffled and didn’t know what to do. I was thankful for it [disclosure]. Which sounds ridiculous as nobody should feel relieved in that situation. But I did, because suddenly I had an explanation for the horrific, horrendous behaviour that she’d been going through. We had been prodded, poked and analysed. Accused, scrutinised and everything under the sun about why our child was having a problem. To actually have a reason, however horrific at that moment. The relief was unbelievable because now we knew what we were dealing with. Up until that point, everything was just a reflection of us being bad parents and me being a bad mother and everything else.”
Some carers and loved ones may have supported a survivor for years or decades while the focus around the survivor has been on symptoms, behaviour or crisis rather than the abuse or trauma that may sit beneath it. This can include mental health difficulties, drug or alcohol dependency, homelessness, social isolation, sex work or sexual exploitation, criminality, prison, probation or repeated crisis.
In some instances, carers may not know the root cause of the mental health or substance misuse issues and so, if and when the abuse or trauma is disclosed, this can cause huge distress and guilt. Some parents and partners may have walked away from survivors in order to prevent themselves becoming unwell, or to protect themselves from financial abuse or physical harm. There may have been estrangement that can take time to heal, even if that is possible. Some parents, carers, partners or loved ones may only learn about the survivor’s experience much later in life. Others may realise later that they misunderstood, dismissed, minimised or failed to recognise an earlier disclosure. Support at the point they are ready can help steady family relationships with the survivor and within the wider family, but it can also be deeply distressing for carers and partners, especially if they know the perpetrator or if they feel that the disclosure has been kept from them for no apparent reason.
Disclosure may help a family understand what has been happening, but it can also bring shock, grief, guilt, anger, shame and regret. A parent, carer, partner or loved one may suddenly re-read years of family history through a different lens. This can steady some relationships because things finally make sense, but it can also destabilise relationships where people feel they should have known, should have acted differently or should have understood sooner.
Section 6 – The long tail of family impact
Whilst the end of criminal justice involvement is often seen as being key to survivors and their families reaching closure, the reality is much more challenging. Very few rape and child sexual abuse cases reach the court process. Only around 3% of police-recorded rape offences result in a suspect being charged or summonsed. For child sexual abuse, the figure is around 1 in 8 concluded police investigations. And this is only those where a disclosure is made to the police. Even for those who successfully navigate the criminal justice process, and there is a conviction, the feelings of justice and satisfaction rarely last long. Many of the issues families, parents and carers were carrying before are still there. Court cases can take years to reach court, with delays and cancelled dates extending the impact on the family. In some cases, the time spent waiting for trial can feel longer than the sentence the perpetrator eventually serves. After sentence, the family may then be asked to engage with the probation process and go through another fight to ensure that the perpetrator’s movements are restricted from areas where the victim/survivor lives, works or studies.
When a perpetrator is not charged, or the case is given the status of “no further action at this time”, the harm can still be enormous, particularly where the perpetrator has parental responsibility or ongoing access to the family court system. For some non-abusing parents and carers, the absence of a criminal charge does not remove risk, fear or trauma. It can leave them trying to protect a child in a system where the abuse has not been proved to the criminal standard, but where the impact on the child and family is still very real. In some cases, family court proceedings can become another source of pressure and harm. Some non-abusing parents report being discouraged from raising abuse concerns in private family-law proceedings because they fear being characterised as hostile to co-parenting or accused of alienating behaviour. Particular concerns have been raised where child sexual abuse disclosures or safeguarding concerns are minimised, treated as unproven because criminal proceedings do not result in charge or conviction, or reframed through allegations of alienation.
Where the perpetrator has greater financial resources, legal confidence or persistence, the non-abusing parent can be left trying to manage risk, contact, safeguarding, legal advice, fear and the child’s wellbeing with very little protection or recognition. Those delivering the Restitute Model need to understand this reality without pretending that criminal justice outcomes are the only measure of harm.
“There is a ten-year hole in my pension that I will never get back”
But it is not just court processes that can take their toll. Issues with school and school refusal, mental health, self-harm, poor self-esteem, finances, housing, employment, and conflict within immediate and wider families can last for years or decades. Simply caring for a survivor of sexual abuse, sexual violence or serious violence can become a life-long role for parents, partners and loved ones.
This can continue over many years and, for some families, across decades. Carers in this situation may remain unidentified because they do not recognise themselves as carers, or because their loved one is not receiving any services. They may have supported someone through mental health crises, addiction, homelessness, isolation, exploitation, criminal justice involvement, prison, probation, repeated relationship breakdown or repeated service contact without anyone naming or addressing the trauma underneath. The Restitute Model recognises that the family member or loved one may be exhausted by years of caring, advocacy, worry, conflict and crisis management, even where there has been no prosecution, no conviction and no formal recognition of what happened.
“I got over the sexual abuse but I don’t think I’ll ever get over the bullying in school.”
Parents, partners and carers can feel like they live in a state of high alert, waiting for the next crisis. Their own health and wellbeing can suffer, their employment and financial stability can be derailed, and they may never regain even a semblance of the life they had before or could have looked forward to. Parents, carers and partners will often try to keep their own struggles away from the victim/survivor, because they do not want to add to what that person is already carrying.
Parents, partners and families need realistic expectations about the future. It is unlikely that things will simply go back to normal, and every family’s experience will be different and unpredictable. Consistent family support does not guarantee survivor recovery, but it can improve the recovery environment and reduce avoidable harm. It can help the survivor live within a family system that is steadier, more informed and more able to respond when things become difficult again.
“I woke up the next morning and realised “nothing had changed. My daughter was still poorly, we were still dealing with the financial impact, our wider family was still ignoring us. There was no happy ever after.”
For families, unlike professionals who have a clear ending to their work, there may be no neat end point. Families may be living with and managing the impact of child sexual abuse, sexual violence or serious violence for the rest of their lives. Inevitably, there will be situations over many years that may be retraumatising and stressful for families. Court dates, sentencing, release, anniversaries, renewed disclosure, school crisis, safeguarding change, relationship breakdown, renewed contact from the perpetrator, probation or parole processes, or new crises in the survivor’s life can all bring the impact back to the surface. This may make families feel they are going backwards, or that previous gains have been lost. Families may often feel they have taken one step forward and two steps back.
Section 7 – Trauma, overwhelm and capacity
When individuals are experiencing trauma overwhelm, they may react by freezing: they may be unable to think or make decisions, they may shut down, they may go into fight mode, or they may want to escape and run away from the situation. These responses are normal when experiencing trauma, but they can feel frightening and make people feel out of control. Simply acknowledging what people are experiencing, and why they are experiencing this frightening and confusing array of responses, can be helpful in itself.
When individuals are experiencing trauma overwhelm, they may have emotional responses such as fear, sadness, irritability, panic, feeling helpless and feeling out of control. They may have difficulties with thinking: their mind may go blank, they may feel confused, or they may dissociate. They may also have physical symptoms such as nausea, raised heart beat, shaking and breathlessness. The physical symptoms in and of themselves can be frightening, especially when coupled with the emotional responses.
These responses inevitably take their toll on daily functioning. It is extremely difficult to remember appointments, remember what is needed from the supermarket, manage to pay bills and all the other administrative labour that comes with life. So many former clients have described the moment as sitting on the bottom step doom-scrolling through social media while the washing piles up, because they are paralysed by the chaos they have found themselves in and are expected to lead their families from.
For parents, carers and their families, their world will have been “turned upside down” by the disclosure or disclosures. They will be dealing with many professionals, and this world will be frightening, unfamiliar and disruptive to the normal routines and consistency of family life. Support to help families restore some semblance of “normality” is so important. Children need signals from carers that the normal, everyday things are still important: attending after-school clubs, having the usual boundaries around bedtimes, and keeping ordinary expectations around behaviour where possible.
This is why the Restitute Model pays attention to small practical things as well as major crises. Families may need help to start with what is urgent and what is manageable: re-establishing bedtimes, opening letters, thinking about bills, sorting appointments, or dealing with household administration that may become urgent or stressful if it is left too long. These small points of structure are not minor. They help reduce chaos, make the next decision easier, and begin to return some agency to the parent, carer or loved one.
In the Restitute Model, stabilisation means helping the parent, carer, partner or loved one move from chaos, overwhelm and threat into a more manageable state of organisation, predictability and control. It does not mean that the harm has been resolved, the survivor has recovered, or the family no longer needs support. It means that the person holding the family picture is more able to think, prioritise, manage practical tasks, understand the systems around them, maintain ordinary routines, respond to risk and support the people relying on them without being completely consumed by crisis.
Section 8 – Family systems, siblings and ordinary life
The Restitute Model usually works through the lead carer or loved one because families often need someone who can begin to feel in charge again. Before abuse, violence or serious harm came to light, that person may have managed their household and family in positive, capable and caring ways. After disclosure, investigation or system involvement, they may suddenly find themselves surrounded by unfamiliar processes, professional demands, scrutiny and information they have never had to understand before. They may begin to question their judgement and lose confidence in their own role. If the perpetrator was a parent who has been removed from the home, this can leave the other parent suddenly carrying responsibility alone, overwhelmed and still expected to hold the family together. Supporting that person well can help restore structure, boundaries, decision-making and ordinary family leadership.
“Structure is such a key part of psychological safety. Chaos can lead to anxiety and fear – structure can bring stability even when things are difficult. In a messy house starting with one task, one area, one object can show someone that you care and change is possible” Toral Thomas – Consultant Forensic Psychiatrist
Working through the lead carer does not mean ignoring the primary victim or other affected family members. The focus stays on the Restitute client, but the work keeps sight of the wider family picture. The client may need help to think about what the primary victim needs, what siblings are carrying, what other children have seen or heard, what adults in the family are struggling with, and how family life has changed.
Siblings and other children in the family can be deeply affected. They may be angry, confused, frightened, protective, blaming, ashamed, loyal to different people, or worried that their own needs no longer matter. They may be overlooked because the primary victim’s needs are urgent, because the safeguarding process is focused elsewhere, or because adults are overwhelmed. Restitute does not treat sibling impact as a side issue. It is often part of what the lead carer is trying to hold.
“If she hadn’t said anything, my dad would still be here.”
Some siblings and other children respond by becoming very capable. They may cook, care for younger children, keep routines going, manage their own distress quietly, avoid adding pressure, or try to become the child no one needs to worry about. This can look like resilience, but it may also be a sign that a child has had to take on too much because the adults around them are overwhelmed. Sometimes no one recognises that they are providing care at all. Families may not realise that what a sibling is doing could amount to caring responsibilities, particularly where the survivor’s needs have never been recognised or framed in ways that trigger support. The Restitute Model keeps this in view because family impact is not only about visible distress.
“No-one told me my child was a young carer because no-one recognised that his sibling had eligible care needs.”
The worker helps the lead carer think about the whole family while staying focused on family functioning, understanding and decision-making. The worker is not there to take over the role of lead carer in the family, which is why their visibility in family life should be limited and purposeful. The worker helps the client notice patterns, reflect on what they are seeing, understand concerns in context, and work alongside existing professionals and processes in a way that supports safe and steady family responses.
The worker is not there to question children, test accounts, gather evidence or lead safeguarding enquiries. The role is to help the client use the right professional routes, ask for the right support, and think about how to respond safely and steadily to the needs of the family around them.
Ordinary life matters. After abuse, sexual violence or serious harm, families can lose the routines and small structures that help people feel safe. Meals, sleep, school, hobbies, after-school clubs, work, friendships, birthdays, family habits, safe activities and ordinary expectations around behaviour can all be disrupted. Rebuilding ordinary life is not pretending nothing has happened. It is part of helping the family become more predictable, more manageable and less completely defined by the harm.
Families may also develop routines that make sense in the middle of trauma but become hard to shift later. A parent may keep children up late watching television because everyone feels lonely, frightened or unsettled. Children may sleep in the same bed as a parent or carer because separation feels unsafe. These responses should not be judged as poor parenting. They are often attempts to create safety, closeness or calm when ordinary family life has been shaken. Rebuilding ordinary life means helping families restore routines, sleep, boundaries and connection in ways that feel safe enough to hold.
The Restitute Model is not family therapy. It does not try to treat the whole family as a therapeutic unit or make the lead carer responsible for everyone else’s recovery. The focus is family functioning and agency: helping the client feel more able to understand what is happening, make decisions, hold boundaries, ask for help, support the people relying on them and rebuild enough ordinary life for the family to keep going.